Ten Seconds In Time

Ten seconds. Ten seconds that could have made all the difference. Ten seconds more and my wallet would have been comfortably kept in right pocket, and not lying below the seat of the MRT, glistening from the shining illumination of the lights, contrasting with the darkness of the cold, black night. Watching powerlessly as the train passed, while knowing full well that the object I sought after was just within grasp, a surge of dismay and sorrow swept over me. Why did I place it on my lap of all places? How could I not have checked? Why did I have to be so careless? Slowly, this pang of regret metamorphosed into a crackling of anger. What are the odds of it happening the day before the interview? All I had to do was take a few more steps, and the matter would have been resolved. All that time spent waiting for delays and breakdowns, and when I need an extension of a few seconds I can't even get it? Of course, these thoughts were irrational and inappropriate to say the least, and I knew it as well you do, but I was sick of it happening again.

If there has been any year that has disappointed me to the extreme, 2017 would be it. Be it in terms of passion, pursuits, or just general performance in life, I find myself frustrated at my inadequacies and shortcomings. Now, before you deem me to be whiny and demanding, I do understand that my earthly trials are challenging, even to the most outstanding of my peers, and that I shouldn't have any disproportionate expectations. Yet, when you're bestowed the opportunity to discuss current affairs with Mr Eddie Teo, how can you not let a minuscule bit of anticipation slip through to your heart? How can you not let your dreams of studying in the stunning and prestigious campus behind your interviewing professors run wild as you gaze into the gardens of St Anne's? But time and time again, rejection slams the door shut, after revealing a glimpse of what you could have achieved?

I know dark clouds will gather around me

I know my way is rough and steep

Yet beauteous fields lie just before me 

Where God's redeemed, no more shall weep 

"Someone once told me the definition of Hell: the last day you have on Earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become." Have I truly put in the corresponding effort to the difficulty of the undertaking?

"Did you not have a computer and a working internet connection?"

"Um... I did."

"Then why did you not read up on it while doing your essay?"

Time to drop the cross of self-denial. As they say, each lesson you holds meaning only by affecting your next decision. A different camp, a new academic year, a fresh start. At the same time, I don't think I could have even made it to close to where I have gone if not for the advice and assistance from a group of lovely people who pushed me that bit closer to reaching my goals. If you're reading this, then know that I am extraordinarily indebted to you, but at the same time it sort of feels like I let you down despite all that you did for me, so allow me to accomplish something before I can officially extend my warmest invitations?

At the same time, I am also aware of how fortunate I am to have gotten this far, and to be able to attempt again next year is indeed a great privilege. Chance favours the prepared mind, and I'll sure as heck try my best to be prepared. Will it be sufficient? I guess we'll find out next year.

P.S. My wallet was returned to me in the end. God bless the kind soul, wherever you are.